Friday, December 2, 2011

Another medication to try

Today I saw my doctor at Physical Medicine and Rehab.  The appointment well.  As expected, things are still in somewhat of holding pattern, until I get through more of  my therapies. 

However, I am feeling better than yesterday after having a long talk with my doctor.  She decided to change my attention/concentration medication to something stronger.  The hope is that if my brain can work more efficiently during the day, it will have more energy to heal at night while I'm asleep.  She thinks this will also continue to help me get out of the brain fog. 

I'm so glad I have found such a great doctor.  She really listens to me and helps me to understand PCS better.  It feels good to talk to someone who gets it and have my thoughts validated.  (Not that the people in my life aren't supportive, THEY ARE WONDERFUL!, but they don't have the intimate knowledge of what it feels like on the inside to have PCS). 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Holiday Blues....Spoiler- A pity party

I'm feeling really overwhelmed and frustrated today. 

With having family in last week, I didn't clean anything while they were here, so I could focus having the energy to keep up with them.  However, they left this weekend and I still don't have the energy to get anything done. 

Today it is so bad, I can barely get out of bed.  I know, I know, I need to listen to my body and rest.  But I'm tired of doing that.  Why can't I be who I was??  This time last year, I was working at job that I loved, (despite bad management), I was halfway to completing my masters, I was enjoying the hustle and bustle of buying christmas presents, preparing for the holidays, enjoy time with those that I love. 

Today I'm stuck in bed, with a headache feeling awful all over, I have no job, I have to put grad school off yet ANOTHER semester, my house feels cluttered, but I'm too tired to do anything about it, and the UPS man delivered a gift I ordered on amazon, and it turns out I ordered something in women's rather than men's, so now I have to figure out sending it back and then finding something I like that isn't for a girl. 

I've tried really hard to keep up the holiday spirit, but when I realize how much as changed since last year, it's completely overwhelming.  Yes, I've made progress.  (And I praise the Lord for that).  However, right now that doesn't seem to be enough to make me any less angry or sick of being stuck where I've been for the past 10 months. 

I just want to be me again.  Why can't I just be "normal" again?  I hate the person I've evolved into thanks to the accident.  She's boring, slow, always exhausted, emotional  and doesn't accomplish anything meanginful because her brain won't let her.  And there is no gurantee that she'll go away.