My whole experience with PCS has given me the opportunity to create a better relationship with God. My many years as a go-getter, time crunched, type A perfectionist had reinforced the idea that I was in complete control of my own destiny. Apparently, the Lord thought it was time for a wake up call.
After the first few weeks of pain killer induced numbness wore off, I spent many days angry and upset. Why me? I don't have time to be sidelined. I have Grad school to go to, my kids at work needed me back, I had things to do, places to be. Why me? Why now?
Yet in time something pushed me to look at my life more closely. In search for answers, I foudn a message board and forum for people suffering from PCS. In the signature of what I consdired to be the most well versed adn person with most experience with life with PCS, was something that made me stop and think. "Be still and know that I am God." Be still? Easy. That's all I am able to do. Anything else makes me sick and in pain. But perhaps, maybe going back to the roots of my spiritiual beliefs would help me to better understdand the why me?. And besides, reading my Kindle, (albeit with the font enhaced to a ridiculous size of type and the words really spread out so my eyes could focus enough to be able to read it,) was the only thing I could really do to pass the time. So I downloaded the Bible. I found a version that broke it up into segments in which you can read the whole thing within a year. After a few days I also remembered a book someone had given me years ago that had daily meditations in it.
Its been a few months since I started this spiritual journey. I have found many passages that lead me to believe, that although it kills me to admit that I am not in complete control, but rather God has planned this life changing event for a purpose. Just two days ago while reading about the story of Lazarus in the Gospel of John, Jesus says "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will recieve glry from this." Having read this just coming from physical therapy, I was immediately struck by this. It has truly been amazing how the Lord has placed the right doctors, therapists and family and friends into my life at this time to make progress possible and easier to bear. (Just a quick reading of my PCS message board reminds me how blessed I am to leave near UPMC. Not many have access to therapies like I have, or even doctors with realize that PCS can be long lasting and debilitating.)
Today, yet another awakening of sorts. In my daily meditations book, the theme was about turning negatives into positives. The example given was, instead of saying I feel really lousy with this cold, why not say I can see the Lord's healing power working in me today. In such a light, I realize that I am very blessed, that I continue to see the Lord's healing hand at work in my life on a daily basis. There is an abundance of glory to give the Lord for this!
Although PCS is a daily, sometimes painful struggle for myself and others sufffering, I realize I've been given many blessings. The first being it started the spark that led me on this spiritual journey. The second, that my relationship with Geoff is unbreakable. If we have made it this far through this, (despite my irritablity and emotional rollercoastering, thanks to PCS), we are going to be able to handle anything put in our path and have our relationship be made stronger by it. The third, that I've been amazed and surprised by how many friends, family and complete strangers that have supported me on my journey towards recovery and wellness. The fourth, that I have been fortunate enough to be placed in an area where Drs are working on cutting edge treatments for such a debilitating disorder, and where I can participate in therapies that help me to take an active part in restoring some of what I lost when I experienced a brain injury. The list could go on and on.
So praise be to God for His healing hand, working in me daily! All the glory is his!