Saturday, October 22, 2011

A Tale of Two Octobers

My first vision therapy appt. was today.  The highlight was receiving my new glasses that have anti-glare and a thing that filters out fluorscent light, (no more dark, glam girl sunglasses in the grocery store! Sweet!).  They are making a couple of things easier, especially using the computer.  Not nearly as much eye and brain strain as before.  :)

Since it was my first appointment, my therapist basically did a batter of tests on my perceptual vision.  A lot of "look at this picture, remember it, find it in the next series of pictures."  Ironically, this is one score on my Impact Testing that has remained abysmally the same.  For whatever reason, I can't remember the details of whatever the object is when it comes time to recall it and identify it 20 seconds later.  I scored in the 1st percentile.  Their goal is eventually I'll be at the 50th.  That's average.  

I think that's one of the hardest things about all the testing and data that comes from measuring my ...(can't find the word).....oh, measuring my progress.  The goal is for my scores to be inline with what is "average".  "Average" won't make me who I was.  I was way more than "average" in a lot of things, especially cognitively.   Now I feel like, the best I can do is settle for "average."  I don't want to be average.  I want to be me again.  

However, it was nice to get out and about for once, so we stopped at Target so I could get out for something other than therapy.  I should have thought it through before I decided on target.  

Target has an AMAZING dollar section, especially when it comes to seasonal items.  It used to be my favorite place to get stuff.  As many teachers, and behavioral therapists will tell you, it's one of the best places to find reinforcers for children, that don't cost a lot for the cash strapped social service worker to pick up on their own.  While working, I frequented this section at least weekly, looking for something that might entice this child or that one to push a little further towards a goal they were working on.  It never failed me.  I was always finding something that made me smile as I found it, made the child want to work for the said item,  the child enjoying the item, and my being happy that we'd made it a little be further down the path in their therapy.  A lot of little little moves forward add up to big changes that make a difference in the life of a child.  

Anyway, upon walking into Target I was bombared by the dollar section.  It's purposefully the first thing you walk through upon entering the doors at most Targets.  Having just come from visual therapy, and knowing my next big round of testing with my main concussion dr. is coming up soon, my heart deflated.  As I saw all the Halloween do-dads and small toys, I realized that this time last year, I was picking up stuff for our classroom Halloween party.  (We had a great time that day!)  Now here I stand with my fancy anti-fluorscent light glasses, knowing that in 2 weeks when I see my main doctor, there is a fairly good chance, that my brain is still outlawed from things of my previous life:  work, Grad school, driving, etc.    Its kind of heartbreaking when I compare last October to this one.  And I miss my kiddos from school so much it hurts.

But, again I am thankful to still be here on this earth, with God's grace guiding me to the therapies and doctors I need.  And the support of all my family and friends. Just gotta keep on, keepin on.   


  1. Perhaps your calling during this season of your life is to share your story and, thereby, be a lifeline for others to hang on to. I personally suffer from a condition which is often debilitating but I rarely reveal it. I soldier on doing my best to "be normal" and not affect those who share my life. If God had visited me and said, "I'd like to use you to minister to people with depression" I most likely would have said, "Certainly. Just tell me what to do." However, the imaginary conversation didn't occur that way. Instead, God led me down the path into the bowels of depression and only after I had exhaustive (and exhausting) first hand experience did He open the doors for me to witness the fruit of my suffering.

    I completely understand your fear that you will remain stuck with a life you didn't choose. Dreams unfulfilled. Potential never realized. The glimmer of accomplishments dimming as the past recedes further. Trapped in a physical reality in which your spirit cries out to soar again but its voice is muted as when you scream in a nightmare and there is no sound.

    I wish that this had never happened to you. I won't ply you with platitudes and inspirational phrases which you've already repeated to yourself a thousand times. Just know that even though others may not experience the exact same condition, we pray for you from our own place of limitations. We know those fears and frustrations. May you find comfort, healing and wholeness. ~ Andie

  2. Andie-

    I can't thank you enough for your kinds words. Just know others know what its like to feel limited, makes this demon easier to bear.

    Limitations can be very humbling. Once a very independent go-getter, this experience has taught me that I need to let others in more, and that just because I ask for help, doesn't mean I'm a weak person.

    Also, coming to realize that truly, the Lord does have plan and that no matter how much the control freak in me would like it to be so, I'm not the one at the wheel, but He is.

    Both of these things I will carry with me, wheather I get back to where I was, or only make "limited" progress :)

  3. Re-read that sentence about small things leading to big changes in a child's life. That can be you as you go through the various forms of therapy. You will get there and you will always be you!